Internal Family Systems: all parts are welcome

Have you ever said, “a part of me feels ___________ and another part feels ___________”? I believe there is more truth to this statement that we thought.

Created by Richard Schwartz (PH.D.), Internal Family Systems is an evidence-based model which can help us to understand ourselves as having distinctive parts, or subpersonalities, that have adopted certain beliefs or roles in our system as a way to help us navigate the world around us. 

Think about those moments when you hold two opposing perspectives or feelings at the exact same time and then feel confused by the inner conflict at play. 

Example: “I want to spend time with my friend this weekend but I’m worried that she’s going to talk about how perfect her life is again. Ugh…I don’t know what to do…what’s wrong with me, why can’t I just make a decision!” 

In this case, there are four identifiable parts: a part desiring connection, a worried part, a part that is unclear about what to do, and a judgemental part. At times, it can feel like our parts are at odds with each other and as if there is a game of tug-of-war happening inside of us. 

When we do the work to understand the why behind the thoughts, feelings, actions and beliefs of our parts, we discover how each part’s function makes sense in the context of our experiences. The place inside ourselves from which we can do the work of connecting with and understanding our parts is what IFS calls, “Self.” 

Self

“In our Self we find a place of knowing, a place where we can observe the dance of the different parts of ourselves without either being dominated by or having to cast out various parts.” -Tom Holmes

When we are in Self, we are grounded and able to observe and understand the different parts of us that are vying for control. We can see our parts without being over-identified with any of their thoughts or feelings. In Self, we can pay mindful attention to our whole system and watch without judgment.

When protective parts are acknowledged for the helpful roles they play and vulnerable parts are unburdened,  the protectors can soften back and Self can take the lead; guiding parts into functioning in their most helpful states.

Parts

Our parts can be placed into three categories: exiles, managers, and firefighters

Exiles are those parts that have been locked away because of the painful memories they hold.

They carry our most painful, and sometimes traumatic, experiences. Think about exiles as young children with extreme beliefs about themselves, others and/or the world. These child parts often carry beliefs that they are unworthy, unlovable, unwanted, bad, damaged, undeserving of love, and sometimes they believe that they are to blame for the abuse they survived.

When exiles become activated, they often flood the system with painful memories and strong emotions and sensations. This is why the protector parts (managers and firefighters) work so hard to keep them hidden. For example, a manager part might drive you to work long hours to prevent the activation of the young exiled part that believes you are inadequate.

These little parts with big beliefs are alone, unattended to and burdened by the weight of their wounds. From Self, we can approach our exiles with compassion and curiosity. When our exiles are cared for and their stories are heard, they don’t need to flood the system because they are no longer desperate to tell their story. These child parts want to be seen and heard.

When an exiled part is activated, you might notice:
feelings of shame, fear, sadness, insecurity, depression, and loneliness. You might think, “I’m worthless,” “I’m unlovable,” “I’m defective,” “I’m bad.” 

Our manager parts like to run the show.

Managers are proactive parts that prevent pain from occurring. They are quick to grab the wheel and take charge. Managers are very aware of the demands, expectations and standards that exist in the outside world and they want to ensure that they are met. From the perspective of a manager part, when external expectations are met, exiles are kept safe and protected.

Managers want to prevent the system from feeling the fear and pain held in those parts. We can see that the managers are trying to help. But just like a neglected child, those exiled parts want to be cared for and attended to. When our managers “armour up,” it is hard for anyone to get through and offer the exiles what they need.

When a manager part has the wheel, you might notice:
worrying, overworking, people-pleasing, perfecting, producing, performing, criticizing (self and others), evaluating and controlling. Can you see how they are working to prevent pain?

Our firefighter parts are master distractors.

Firefighters are reactive parts that work to extinguish pain after it occurs. They are the impulsive parts of us that can move us to fill empty spaces in our day with eating when we don’t feel hungry, watching another episode, and scrolling another time. They can become quite automatic in the way that they function; ready to snuff out any discomfort. The behaviours that they lead us to do are not always problematic, however, they are also not usually as restorative or refreshing to our system as Self-led behaviours.

While firefighter parts can be responsible for putting out small fires, like daily subtle discomforts, they also respond to calls for large house fires; deep heavy pain. In order to smother these fires, bigger behaviours are required. These behaviours can appear to be destructive or harmful in nature and yet they get the job done (for some time). Substance abuse, extreme sexual behaviour, eating disorders and excessive gambling are examples of big behaviours that firefighters use to block out pain. This is why when we see addiction, we often see trauma well before.

Once our firefighters have done their job with extinguishing pain, our managers step in and motivate us to reconcile the damage that was caused. They might say, “don’t eat today because you ate too much yesterday” and “you acted like a fool at the party last night; don’t show your face again!” 

When a firefighter part has the wheel, you might notice:
overeating, overexercising, oversleeping, overspending, numbing, soothing, drinking, smoking, self-harming, withdrawing, distracting, dissociating. Firefighters find creative ways to keep us from feeling pain and from letting our exiles become distressed. We don’t want to blame them for that; firefighters have helped us to survive when we didn’t think there was another way.

The goal of IFS is to restore balance in the system through the unburdening of exiled parts, the release of parts’ extreme roles, and the development of trust in Self as the leader of the system.

For more information on IFS and to hear directly from Dr. Richard Schwartz, see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdZZ7sTX840